Being me
by Road-sama kawaii
Summary: Hinata feels alone. She's lost her will to live, and her friends don't know this. when Sasuke comes along he only hurts her more. Is Sasuke helping her? Or driving her to quickly to her death?


As a young girl I've always wanted attention.

My mother would usual scold me saying that I always wanted to be center of attention by throwing fits. Well, Yes it's true, I wanted attention. Maybe not Center of attention since I always get nervous when people stare at me, but I want a lot of attention. But It's Not my fault.

I Have no redeeming qualities what so ever. My capabilities are useless and even in my strongest subject, art, there is always someone better then me. My dad, the famous architect would surpass me if he was showing me how to do this and that. And to me I would always end up failing. Failing pathetically as I'd stare at his beautiful art work and then at mine. Useless, poor quality, child play.

Of course Father being the parent that he is would always say mine was best. But I know better.

I'm not pretty either. I'm hideous in fact. People would always say "You're so cute!" or "You look nice." But never "You're so beautiful, Hinata." Of course my mother would, because that's what parents do.

I know I'm pathetic and boring looking. And being adopted my sister is the exact opposite of me. Young, strong, beautiful and graceful. Long shiny hair, round eyes like a model child; very photogenic no matter what kind of picture you'd take of her.

I can't compare to anything or anyone. Like I told my friend so she could draw me for class only seeing me once. I have a round, podgy face, small forehead, big eyes, small but long pointed nose, a small mouth, thin eye brows that are suppose to be thick, big cheek bones and a small chin.

All in all I'd say if I cut my hair short and grew out my eyebrows I'd be a man with extremely small boobs. I have no ass and my boobs are small and I can't help but compare to my friends. And Like my Art teacher so kindly pointed out in front of the whole class; I have big broad shoulders. For an incredibly short person, it's not always a nice combination.

And then there's school. Ah school.

I'm the dumbest person in my family and out of most of my friends. My sister is gifted. GIFTED. She gets higher then an 80 average, and she doesn't even try anymore. My cousin Neji gets in the 90's, a prodigy, but my sister is only...hmm...6 years younger then him and I'm barely getting in the 60's.

My dad as you know is an architect, and the best damn architect I know. And as for my mom? She's a Dental Hygienist and might even become a Professor at a University teaching Hygiene. Everyday she brags that she got top grades when she went to school.

I'm not funny, I'm not good with computers, I'm lazy, I'm emotional, I'm quiet, I'm weak, I'm always depressed and I'm a pushover. What's there to love about me?

Might this explain my weakness when ever someone comments that I'm stupid, weak or ugly. Might this explain why I get so sad when someone repeatedly says "You're doing it wrong." Might this explain why I push everyone away. Even when I want to be close to them, even If all I want to Do Is hold them, I reject them? Am I Scared I'll screw things up with them? Of Course I am Because I can never do anything right.

Is this why he left me? Maybe, maybe not. Even as I go upstairs to find out that he blocked me after my breakdown of telling him that he hates me, I know I've defiantly screwed things up badly. So Badly that I don't think that I'll ever be able to go back. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell him how I feel again, how I still feel after that pathetic break up.

My friends say he's Not worth it. That I could do better. That he's loud and stupid and that there's so much better out there. But that's what I like about him. I don't know what it is but I seem to have a thing for imperfect guys. And this imperfect guy that my friends so call him...Is perfect to me. And it hurts to admit it as much as I want to hate him, but I can't hate him and it bugs me to my core that I cry almost every night for at least two months now.

It's been forever since he broke up with me and I can't get over it. And we only went out for 3 weeks. How pathetic can I be? We didn't kiss, we didn't hug, We didn't even hold hands. And Yet like a stupid little girl I still can't hate him. I don't even have a reason to hate him. He only broke up with me and its stupid to be angry over it.

It was my fault for saying I give up on seeing if he's free anymore, because he always said he was busy. And then the next day he broke it off saying that he was too busy. Ironic eh? I'm so pathetically stupid. It's Depressing. I'm depressing. Of course he would leave me to have another go with her. Though my sister would never ever go out with the "likes of him because he's ugly", though she tells him that he's too old, he still tries again and again to get her to like him. Am I really that ugly? That annoying? That weak?

Naruto... ?

Why? I'll ask myself. Why was I put on a world with no redeeming qualities that anyone would like? Why am I here if people are just going to pass me by as I slowly attempt to achieve my impossible goals? Why am I here if no one will love me more then anyone else in this world? I've attempted to do so many things in life...and I've never been able to be the best at anything. Always second place, or 58th.

I've been put down so many times by others that they don't even know anymore that the smiles and the laugh I give them as I punch them in the shoulder are...fake. Even my closest friends, Sakura, Tenten, don't really know what's going on.

Not even my parents- never mind my other family members, the heads, the leaders. I try to tell them without making them worry to much about it. But...It just looks like I'm trying to get attention from them. I wish I could tell them "Guys...I Really want to die." But I can't tell them. They'll get worried and never leave me alone.

I'll be looked down upon. Just one of those selfish brats that want to die. One of those emo children that care only about themselves. Sure, I care about myself, I have to since no one else will look after me. But, I love my friends, and I hate being look down on.

But I just can't take my life anymore. I want to start new. I don't want to be the quiet girl who barely speaks and is always hungry though she never brings a lunch. I don't want to be the person who never does her homework or owes money because she's 'poor' and doesn't have a job. I want to go somewhere without my sister to best me, or spread rumours about me. I want to be smart for once and not just some dumb kid that falls over or walks into things.

I want to be someone else. I want to be confident. I want to speak my mind with out being the weakling I once was. I want to be looked up to. I want to be loved by the same person I love. But at this moment. He thinks I hate him because I ignore him, because I cry every time he comes near me. Because I can't look at him anymore with out flinching slightly. It pains me. But he hates me too now. I Said It would be easier to forget if he hates me. No It hurts even more.

I'm back on this stupid topic again aren't I? haha. That's me. Can't stop talking about at least one guy. Got to keep talking about guys you know?

I'll take the comment with a smile. Yet another fake smile. My friend, seems to be able to hit me hard though she said once that I was her best friend. Haha. That's kind of a laugh now. Back then I was so happy she said that I, Me, Hinata, Was her best friend. But now...She's become so distant to me. I feel like she's always making fun of me.

She calls me names like Bitch and Whore, and its not in the way she use to joke. She always glares at the end now. Glares like She hates me. I Don't know what I did wrong though. I guess I'm just to paranoid like always. I care to much about what others think. Sasuke is right after all. I am a pushover, and nobody would like me for who I really am. Damn that bastard. He didn't have to be so rude when he said it. And he thinks he has a right to hate me... God? Why do you do this to me?

I Need to leave this place. I'm falling into a darkness where no one will be able to reach me. I'm falling, falling further and further, and it seems like no ones going to attempt to save me.

I'm being selfish. I Realize this. That other people have other lives that don't revolve around me. But I want to be included in that life too. I want to help my friends and I want them to help me. I want to smile with them, laugh with them, understand their inside jokes. Go to their parties, Go shopping with them. Graduated with them, grow older together, see each other get married.

But.

I Don't think that's going to happen.

I was happy when he said lets try it out. I was so very happy. So happy. But now. I think I would have been so much easier if he just said no in the beginning. If he didn't make me wait 3 weeks before telling me the simple answer and then breaking if off three weeks later like he owed me for making me wait that long.

It sucks. And Me and my friend, Ino, are suffering this phase and it's hurting us badly. I know many people suffer from these kind of things.

I know...many people...are suffering a greater loss them me. But I still feel...emotional imbalanced. As if my whole life, sucks.

And Here I am a computer and all, with an added high school education. Part of the 1 in this big world. And I have issues? I'm so spoiled. So pathetically rich and spoiled. I'm a weak spoiled princess cry baby.

And this gives me a right to cry? Just because I didn't get my own way with a guy I like? I'm so conceded. Perhaps I don't deserve to live. And see as I don't have a purpose in life either maybe I should die. But I know its not an answer.

I'm scared of death. I Feel everything and like the fool I am, I'm scared people will hate me. And So every comment they make, I consume it. Perhaps This is my downfall?

I, Hinata, will always be weak.


End file.
